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Control vs. Boundaries: The Guide to Healthier Relationships in Life and Work

By Communication, Family & Personal Life, Food for thought, Leadership, Motivation, Self-Improvement No Comments

Control vs. Boundaries: The Guide to Healthier Relationships in Life and Work

My wife and I have been together for 17+ years. Anytime we are in that long of a relationship there are bound to be ups and down, sideways and all the directions you can think of in-between. My wife and I hit a rough patch these last few months from various things that have happened over the last few years from our house being destroyed by a fire, being in the hospital multiple times, her mental collapse and the emotions of parenting among other things. And… I might have let myself get burned out and didn’t take care of myself like I should have so now we are back in couple’s counseling which I am all for.

As we are rebuilding our relationship and finding the joy in each other again (and our own self), we have come to realize a very important distinction between control and boundaries and want to share as they can help in area of our life. For example, in both personal and professional relationships, there’s a delicate balance between asserting yourself and respecting the autonomy of others, especially those we love. One of the key distinctions to help us navigate this balance is the difference between control and boundaries. While these two may sound similar, they are vastly different in their approach and outcome. Understanding the difference can lead to healthier, more respectful relationships and greater well-being in any type of relationship.

Defining Control vs. Boundaries

Control involves an attempt to influence or direct someone’s behavior, often without their consent. This could look like telling someone, “You can’t do that,” or pressuring them to act in a specific way. Control is about imposing your will on others, essentially dictating their choices or actions.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are personal limits we set based on our own needs, values, and comfort levels. Boundaries are about self-respect, saying, “I am not willing to do that” rather than, “You’re not allowed to do that.” Instead of trying to control others, boundaries are about protecting our own mental, physical, and emotional space.

Why Boundaries Lead to Healthier Relationships

Boundaries foster healthier relationships because they focus on what we can control: our own actions and reactions. They allow us to assert ourselves without imposing on others and then others can decide if they want to be part of that boundary or not. Here’s why boundaries are more effective and constructive than control:

  1. Respect for Autonomy
    Control is often rooted in fear or a desire to dictate outcomes, while boundaries are about protecting our own well-being. By setting boundaries, we respect the autonomy of others to make their own decisions while also honoring our limits. For example, in a workplace scenario, we might say, “I’m not available to work late tonight,” rather than, “You can’t expect me to work late.” The former is a boundary, the latter a control statement.
  2. Clarity and Honesty
    Boundaries provide clarity for both sides. When we clearly communicate what we’re comfortable with and what we’re not, we allow others to understand our needs and adjust their expectations accordingly. For example, saying, “I’m not willing to take on another project at this time,” gives a clear boundary about your workload without telling others what they can or cannot do.
  3. Reducing Resentment
    Control often leads to power struggles and resentment, as people naturally resist when they feel their freedom is being restricted. Boundaries, however, reduce this friction. By communicating our personal limits, we avoid trying to change someone else’s behavior, which can foster greater respect and understanding. In personal relationships, this might look like, “I’m uncomfortable discussing that topic,” rather than, “You shouldn’t bring that up.” This one has been a game changer in our relationship.
  4. Improved Self-Respect
    Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect. It sends a message to ourselves and others that our needs and values matter. Control, on the other hand, often stems from insecurity or a lack of trust. When we establish healthy boundaries, we demonstrate confidence and self-respect, which can positively influence how others perceive and interact with us.
  5. Better Conflict Resolution
    Boundaries are particularly useful in navigating conflict. By stating what we need or are unwilling to do, rather than trying to control the other person’s behavior, we create the environment that is more conducive to respectful conversation and compromise. In professional settings, this can prevent small issues from escalating and enable more constructive problem-solving.

Practical Ways to Implement Boundaries over Control

Learning to set boundaries instead of trying to control situations or people takes practice, especially if we have been conditioned to equate boundaries with confrontation. Here are some practical ways to make this shift that we are working on and I am paying attention to in my conversations:

  • Use “I” Statements: When communicating boundaries, use “I” statements to make it clear that this is about your needs, not an attempt to dictate others’ actions. For example, “I need time to think before I give feedback” or “I’m available until 5 PM today.”
  • Be Clear and Consistent: Don’t be afraid to be direct about what works for you. It’s better to be upfront about your limits than to agree to something you’re not comfortable with, simply to feel resentful later. A client once taught me the best way to make a happy marriage (or relationship) is to boldly ask for what you want. Does not mean you will get it, at least you will put it on the table.
  • Stay Calm and Neutral: Boundaries are about your preferences, not criticisms of others. Avoid phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and stick to calmly stating what you’re willing or not willing to do.
  • Allow for Flexibility When Possible: Boundaries don’t have to be rigid. In certain situations, being adaptable can help maintain harmony without sacrificing your needs. You might say, “I’m willing to help with this, but only for an hour.”
  • Practice Self-Awareness: Check in with yourself regularly to identify areas where you might need to set or reinforce boundaries. If you feel drained or resentful, it’s a sign that a boundary may be lacking.

The Impact of Boundaries in the Workplace

In professional settings, boundaries play a crucial role in fostering a healthy and productive environment. Teams that respect individual boundaries are often more collaborative, innovative, and resilient. For example, if someone feels comfortable setting boundaries around their availability, they’re less likely to experience burnout and more likely to perform at their best.

Moreover, leaders who model boundary-setting behavior demonstrate respect for their team’s autonomy, which can lead to a more engaged and motivated workforce. A manager who says, “I need your report by the end of the day to meet our deadline,” rather than, “You have to stay late until it’s done,” sets a boundary around the project’s requirements without imposing unrealistic demands.

The Role of Boundaries in Personal Relationships

In personal relationships, boundaries are essential for mutual respect and trust. They allow both parties to maintain their individuality while nurturing a sense of connection. When both people feel they can set boundaries without judgment or retaliation, they’re more likely to feel secure, valued, and understood.

If, for instance, one partner wants alone time after work to decompress, communicating this boundary respectfully can prevent unnecessary tension. Instead of controlling the partner’s behavior by saying, “You have to leave me alone,” we might say, “I need some time to myself after work; it helps me recharge.”

Final Thoughts: Boundaries as Empowerment

Ultimately, boundaries empower us to live in alignment with our values, while control undermines this by attempting to dictate others’ choices. Learning to distinguish between the two can be transformative, leading to more balanced relationships that honor the autonomy and well-being of everyone involved.

The next time we feel the urge to control a situation or someone’s behavior, take a step back. Ask yourself: What boundary can I set that respects my needs without infringing on theirs? By making this shift, we will foster relationships that are built on mutual respect and freedom—qualities that bring out the best in everyone.

You can always email me your thoughts at ryan@ryanavery.com and I enjoy hearing them! Keep being THE!

Ryan Avery and his Family

The Great Pause

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What a year! People have many names for 2020. I have lost friends to COVID, it nearly took my business away from me and it has devastated millions of people.

It has also allowed me to spend quality time with my kids, grow my business in new ways, deepen my relationships with my wife, family and close friends.

“They” say that there is always good in bad and this week I want to reflect on all the good that happened this year. What good things happened to you in 2020? What things are you thankful for that would never have happened if we didn’t go through “The Great Pause” of 2020?

For those who celebrate Christmas, I hope you have the best time with your families this week and for all, I hope we are getting ready for the new year and starting it by being thankful for what we have received, not what we have lost!

As always… be THE

Reach with Ryan Avery

What is Your Word of The… QUARTER?

By Communication, Family & Personal Life, Motivation No Comments

For the past 5+ years, I have chosen a word for the year that helps guide my decisions and keeps me on track for my goals.

This year was the first year in which I felt like I wanted more than one word as 2020 has been… well a year!

So with that, I am challenging myself (and us) to look at the word for the next QUARTER instead of the entire year. What word do you want to focus on for Q1 of 2021 that will keep you motived, get you going and help you reach your goals?

My word for Q1 2021 will be:  REACH!

To me, this word means many things:
I want to reach new heights.
I want to reach out.
I want to reach for things I usually wouldn’t try.
I want to reach new levels of speaking.

My word is going to be REACH. What is your word going to be?

Ryan Avery 2020 Photo Challenge

The 2020 Photo Challenge

By Communication, Family & Personal Life, Motivation No Comments

Every year my family and I select the number of photos that correlate with the last two numbers of the year. This year we will select 20 (for 2020). Last year we selected 19 (for 2019) and so on.

We select the photos from our cameras that best represent the year for us and we share them with each other. This is a very fun and eye-opening experience to see what your year was all about and hear from your family about how they saw the same year.

My challenge to you starting this week is to select the 20 photos that best represent your 2020 and share them with your family and friends.

Ready… set… go!

What Are You Not Thankful For Ryan Avery

What Are You NOT Thankful For?

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Every year in America, millions of families sit down together to talk about and share what they are thankful for. However, one thing we don’t talk about is… what are we NOT thankful for?

In this week’s notes I challenge us to think about what we are NOT thankful for and why. Here is the video:

What are you not thankful for and what can you do about it or how can you change your perspective around the thing you are not thankful for?

Entertain vs Exercise with Ryan-Avery

The “IDEA” of Entertain vs Exercise

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In this week’s video, I share with you the difference between the definition of entertain vs exercise when it comes to our ideas and why it matters to us as being THE leader! Here is the video:

What can we do this week to exercise on one of our ideas that we have been entertaining for too long?

Keep being THE!

RyanAvery - Shortcomings

What Are My Shortcomings?

By Family & Personal Life, Leadership, Motivation No Comments

This week is all about shortcomings and how we view them.

After this week’s readings and notes, this is what I know…

“How we perceive the shortcomings in our life, will help dictate the outcomes of our life!” 

What is one shortcoming we can find in ourselves and change the perspective to be more positive and grateful we are like that?

Ryan Avery - Motivation

Because It Offends You Does Not Mean…

By Communication, Family & Personal Life, Leadership, Motivation No Comments

Here are my notes this week about being offended and what we can do when we are offended!

Ryan Avery - Routine scaled

Why Should We Have A Routine?

By Family & Personal Life, Leadership No Comments

 

Why should we have a routine?

This week I looked into what differentiates A leader vs THE leader when it comes to routine and why routines matter so much to us!

This week’s notes come from taking a look at Ryan Holiday’s Ego is The Enemy, research from various publications and listening to friends who cheer us along the way!

Action Items of the week:  #1 Think about who you want to be vs what you want to do and #2 Come up your routine around the PPP.

 

 

5 Ways to Increase Your Productivity

Five Ways to Increase Your Productivity

By Family & Personal Life One Comment

So you need help being more productive and finding ways to increase your productivity? You and me, both! Wouldn’t it be great if we had four or even three more hours in the day? Better yet, wouldn’t it be nice to only need four or three hours of sleep each night so you could do more!

Well, we only get 24 hours in a day and for those of us who would like to be more productive with our time, here are five ways to increase productivity:

Complete things in threes. Write down

Do a time audit. The first thing I make my clients do is a time audit. I want to see– and I want them to see–how they are spending their time. It is crazy how much time people spend on social media, Hulu, Netflix, and lounging around. See how much time you can save in the week by being more productive. I am all for social media, Hulu, and lounging around, but maybe you are doing it too often or too much!

Block out time for time-wasters. Instead of taking time everyday to plan your meals or what clothes you are going to wear, take time at the end of each week to plan them out and get them ready. Schedule your email, keynote practice, social media, and TV consumption. Don’t check and respond to email throughout the entire day. Block out time in the morning and at night to do them rather than being interrupted on a regular basis.

De-clutter your work space. Stop letting your office space get in the way of what you need to accomplish. If you have paperwork you need to file, letters you need to write, bills you need to pay or things you see you need to do, clutter can stop you from being productive and fully engaged with the work at hand because it lingers in your mind.

Turn off that thing you still call a phone. Its buzzers, whistles, alerts, and photos comprise of a ticking time bomb to distract you. Put your phone on airplane mode when working and see how productive you really are.

Take time to incorporate one or more of these five things this week and see how much more productive you will be! As always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan

How to Deal With People Who Are Better Than You

How to Deal With People Who Are Better Than You

By Family & Personal Life 2 Comments

There is this feeling I get sometimes when I think, “Wow, that person is way better at that than I am.” Instead of getting angry or upset I do one of four things, and you may want to try these, too:

Reach out to them. Reach out and see what you can learn from them. Who knows? They might give you insight, advice, or strategies to become better. I can’t tell you how many people I have emailed or called and asked them how they do something and they just gave me the answer!

Copy them. If you find something they are doing that you like or that you know you could do better, copy them! Who is to say you can’t do it better?

Follow them. I utilize my lists on Twitter, adding people who are better than me to lists like “Speakers” or “Leaders” or “Mentors” so I can see what they are doing and how I can improve.

Share Them. Share with others what they are doing and why they inspire you. Show them that you are following them and you like their style!

People are not better than you; they are just bigger than you (with their reach). If someone else is doing something, that means you can do it also. Keep pushing yourself to new limits and as always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan

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