Control vs. Boundaries: The Guide to Healthier Relationships in Life and Work
My wife and I have been together for 17+ years. Anytime we are in that long of a relationship there are bound to be ups and down, sideways and all the directions you can think of in-between. My wife and I hit a rough patch these last few months from various things that have happened over the last few years from our house being destroyed by a fire, being in the hospital multiple times, her mental collapse and the emotions of parenting among other things. And… I might have let myself get burned out and didn’t take care of myself like I should have so now we are back in couple’s counseling which I am all for.
As we are rebuilding our relationship and finding the joy in each other again (and our own self), we have come to realize a very important distinction between control and boundaries and want to share as they can help in area of our life. For example, in both personal and professional relationships, there’s a delicate balance between asserting yourself and respecting the autonomy of others, especially those we love. One of the key distinctions to help us navigate this balance is the difference between control and boundaries. While these two may sound similar, they are vastly different in their approach and outcome. Understanding the difference can lead to healthier, more respectful relationships and greater well-being in any type of relationship.
Defining Control vs. Boundaries
Control involves an attempt to influence or direct someone’s behavior, often without their consent. This could look like telling someone, “You can’t do that,” or pressuring them to act in a specific way. Control is about imposing your will on others, essentially dictating their choices or actions.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are personal limits we set based on our own needs, values, and comfort levels. Boundaries are about self-respect, saying, “I am not willing to do that” rather than, “You’re not allowed to do that.” Instead of trying to control others, boundaries are about protecting our own mental, physical, and emotional space.
Why Boundaries Lead to Healthier Relationships
Boundaries foster healthier relationships because they focus on what we can control: our own actions and reactions. They allow us to assert ourselves without imposing on others and then others can decide if they want to be part of that boundary or not. Here’s why boundaries are more effective and constructive than control:
- Respect for Autonomy
Control is often rooted in fear or a desire to dictate outcomes, while boundaries are about protecting our own well-being. By setting boundaries, we respect the autonomy of others to make their own decisions while also honoring our limits. For example, in a workplace scenario, we might say, “I’m not available to work late tonight,” rather than, “You can’t expect me to work late.” The former is a boundary, the latter a control statement. - Clarity and Honesty
Boundaries provide clarity for both sides. When we clearly communicate what we’re comfortable with and what we’re not, we allow others to understand our needs and adjust their expectations accordingly. For example, saying, “I’m not willing to take on another project at this time,” gives a clear boundary about your workload without telling others what they can or cannot do. - Reducing Resentment
Control often leads to power struggles and resentment, as people naturally resist when they feel their freedom is being restricted. Boundaries, however, reduce this friction. By communicating our personal limits, we avoid trying to change someone else’s behavior, which can foster greater respect and understanding. In personal relationships, this might look like, “I’m uncomfortable discussing that topic,” rather than, “You shouldn’t bring that up.” This one has been a game changer in our relationship. - Improved Self-Respect
Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect. It sends a message to ourselves and others that our needs and values matter. Control, on the other hand, often stems from insecurity or a lack of trust. When we establish healthy boundaries, we demonstrate confidence and self-respect, which can positively influence how others perceive and interact with us. - Better Conflict Resolution
Boundaries are particularly useful in navigating conflict. By stating what we need or are unwilling to do, rather than trying to control the other person’s behavior, we create the environment that is more conducive to respectful conversation and compromise. In professional settings, this can prevent small issues from escalating and enable more constructive problem-solving.
Practical Ways to Implement Boundaries over Control
Learning to set boundaries instead of trying to control situations or people takes practice, especially if we have been conditioned to equate boundaries with confrontation. Here are some practical ways to make this shift that we are working on and I am paying attention to in my conversations:
- Use “I” Statements: When communicating boundaries, use “I” statements to make it clear that this is about your needs, not an attempt to dictate others’ actions. For example, “I need time to think before I give feedback” or “I’m available until 5 PM today.”
- Be Clear and Consistent: Don’t be afraid to be direct about what works for you. It’s better to be upfront about your limits than to agree to something you’re not comfortable with, simply to feel resentful later. A client once taught me the best way to make a happy marriage (or relationship) is to boldly ask for what you want. Does not mean you will get it, at least you will put it on the table.
- Stay Calm and Neutral: Boundaries are about your preferences, not criticisms of others. Avoid phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and stick to calmly stating what you’re willing or not willing to do.
- Allow for Flexibility When Possible: Boundaries don’t have to be rigid. In certain situations, being adaptable can help maintain harmony without sacrificing your needs. You might say, “I’m willing to help with this, but only for an hour.”
- Practice Self-Awareness: Check in with yourself regularly to identify areas where you might need to set or reinforce boundaries. If you feel drained or resentful, it’s a sign that a boundary may be lacking.
The Impact of Boundaries in the Workplace
In professional settings, boundaries play a crucial role in fostering a healthy and productive environment. Teams that respect individual boundaries are often more collaborative, innovative, and resilient. For example, if someone feels comfortable setting boundaries around their availability, they’re less likely to experience burnout and more likely to perform at their best.
Moreover, leaders who model boundary-setting behavior demonstrate respect for their team’s autonomy, which can lead to a more engaged and motivated workforce. A manager who says, “I need your report by the end of the day to meet our deadline,” rather than, “You have to stay late until it’s done,” sets a boundary around the project’s requirements without imposing unrealistic demands.
The Role of Boundaries in Personal Relationships
In personal relationships, boundaries are essential for mutual respect and trust. They allow both parties to maintain their individuality while nurturing a sense of connection. When both people feel they can set boundaries without judgment or retaliation, they’re more likely to feel secure, valued, and understood.
If, for instance, one partner wants alone time after work to decompress, communicating this boundary respectfully can prevent unnecessary tension. Instead of controlling the partner’s behavior by saying, “You have to leave me alone,” we might say, “I need some time to myself after work; it helps me recharge.”
Final Thoughts: Boundaries as Empowerment
Ultimately, boundaries empower us to live in alignment with our values, while control undermines this by attempting to dictate others’ choices. Learning to distinguish between the two can be transformative, leading to more balanced relationships that honor the autonomy and well-being of everyone involved.
The next time we feel the urge to control a situation or someone’s behavior, take a step back. Ask yourself: What boundary can I set that respects my needs without infringing on theirs? By making this shift, we will foster relationships that are built on mutual respect and freedom—qualities that bring out the best in everyone.
You can always email me your thoughts at ryan@ryanavery.com and I enjoy hearing them! Keep being THE!
