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Ryan Avery - THE Keynote Speaker 2020

The Power of “Do” vs. “Don’t” in Shaping Behavior and Outcomes

By Business, Communication, Motivation, Personal Growth, Productivity, Self-Improvement No Comments

The Power of “Do” vs. “Don’t” in Shaping Behavior and Outcomes

As I share in most of my posts, the language is what we use to shape our perceptions, influences our behavior, and can ultimately determine the outcomes of our actions. One subtle but impactful way this happens is through the use of positive versus negative commands—specifically, using “Do” versus “Don’t.” While both serve to guide behavior, their psychological and emotional effects can be drastically different. Understanding how and when to use these phrases can help improve communication, productivity, and even the way we see ourselves.

The Psychology Behind “Do” and “Don’t”

At the heart of the “Do” versus “Don’t” dichotomy is how the human brain processes information. Research in cognitive psychology suggests that people are more likely to focus on and remember the main idea or action presented in a statement, regardless of whether it is framed positively or negatively. In simple terms, when someone says “Don’t think about a pink elephant,” most people immediately picture a pink elephant. The brain has to process the idea of the pink elephant before it can process the negation.

This is why “Don’t” can often have the opposite of its intended effect. When we tell someone, or even ourselves, “Don’t procrastinate,” the word “procrastinate” becomes the focal point, potentially reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to avoid. On the other hand, a positive command like “Do your work on time” directs attention to the desired behavior, making it clearer and easier to follow.

The Impact of Positive Framing

Using “Do” statements taps into the power of positive reinforcement. Positive commands focus on the action we want to see, providing clarity and a roadmap for success. When we say “Do eat your vegetables” instead of “Don’t eat junk food,” the focus shifts to a specific, beneficial action rather than an abstract negation.

This principle applies in various settings:

  1. In the Workplace: Managers and leaders who frame their expectations using “Do” rather than “Don’t” can foster a more constructive, goal-oriented culture. For example, telling an employee, “Do prioritize important tasks first” is likely more effective than “Don’t get distracted by unimportant tasks.” The former gives clear direction, while the latter only highlights what to avoid without suggesting an alternative.
  2. Parenting: We as parents often tell their children what not to do—”Don’t run in the house,” “Don’t touch that,” “Don’t yell.” While these commands are well-meaning, they can be confusing or frustrating for a child, who may not understand what behavior is expected of them. Reframing these as positive commands like “Walk carefully inside” or “Use your inside voice” helps children grasp what is acceptable and reinforces good behavior.
  3. Self-Talk: The way we speak to ourselves is as important as how we communicate with others. Negative self-talk, such as “Don’t mess up” or “Don’t be lazy,” can create anxiety and diminish motivation. Replacing these with “Do your best” or “Stay focused” shifts the focus to achievable actions, improving both mindset and performance.

The Pitfalls of “Don’t”

There are certainly situations where “Don’t” is necessary—particularly when safety is at risk (“Don’t touch the hot stove!”). However, over-reliance on negative framing can lead to several unintended consequences:

  • Increased Anxiety: Constantly hearing or telling oneself what not to do can create a sense of restriction and anxiety. The focus becomes avoiding mistakes, which can lead to overthinking or paralysis by analysis, where fear of failure stifles action altogether.
  • Ambiguity: “Don’t” statements often leave room for misinterpretation. If we tell someone “Don’t rush,” do we mean “Take your time” or “Work more carefully”? Without clear guidance on what the alternative is, the listener may become confused or even ignore the instruction altogether.
  • Focus on the Negative: “Don’t” statements can create a negative atmosphere, especially when used frequently. Whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or even self-reflection, focusing on the “don’ts” can lead to feelings of inadequacy or constant correction, which is demotivating.

Striking the Right Balance

While the research supports the benefits of positive framing, this doesn’t mean we should eliminate “Don’t” from our vocabulary entirely. There are moments when it’s appropriate—especially when addressing behaviors that pose immediate harm or when a direct “stop” is necessary. The key is in balancing these directives with positive alternatives.

For example, instead of only saying “Don’t be late,” we could say, “Make sure you’re on time.” This combination acknowledges what needs to be avoided while providing a clear, positive action to replace it.

Conclusion

The distinction between “Do” and “Don’t” may seem subtle, yet it holds significant power in shaping both behavior and outcomes. By focusing on what we do want, rather than what we want to avoid, we set clearer, more positive expectations that are easier to follow and internalize. Whether in the workplace, at home, or in our own self-talk, leaning toward “Do” over “Don’t” can promote a more constructive, empowered mindset and lead to more successful outcomes.

Ryan Avery Content

The Balance Between Ambition and Contentment: Striving for More While Appreciating What We Have

By Communication, Motivation, Productivity No Comments

In today’s fast-paced, goal-driven world, ambition is often celebrated as the key to success. We hear it in motivational speeches, read it in business books, and see it played out in the lives of those we admire. But what happens when ambition takes over, leaving no room for contentment?

Is it possible to be both ambitious and content, and if so, how do we strike that delicate balance?

Being overly ambitious without the ability to appreciate where we are can lead to burnout, dissatisfaction, and even unhappiness. On the flip side, being too content can cause stagnation, a lack of growth, and unfulfilled potential. Ugh, so what do we do? Well, the real magic lies in finding the balance between ambition and contentment—striving for more while also embracing the present moment.

The Importance of Ambition

Ambition drives us to reach new heights, push our limits, and set higher goals. It’s the force behind growth, achievement, and self-improvement. Without ambition, we wouldn’t challenge ourselves to improve or create new opportunities. It’s what keeps us moving forward. Ambition allows us to ask questions like, “How will this add value to my life?” It makes us consider how our goals and pursuits can enhance our personal and professional journeys.

Ambition is the fuel that ignites progress and achievement, pushing us toward our highest potential. But (and), unchecked ambition can become exhausting. Constantly striving for the next thing—whether it’s a promotion, financial success, or personal achievements—can create a cycle of “never enough.” (now I need to listen to The Greatest Showman, if you know you know)! This is where contentment plays the crucial role.

The Importance of Contentment

Contentment is the ability to find peace and satisfaction in the present moment. It allows us to appreciate what we have and where we are in life. When we are content, we give ourselves the gift of enjoying life as it is, rather than constantly yearning for what’s next. However, being too content can also pose challenges. If we’re too satisfied with where we are, we may miss opportunities for growth, become complacent, or fail to realize our full potential. Like ambition, contentment requires balance. This leads us to a question worth pondering: “Where can I do a better job of being more content?”

Maybe it’s in our personal lives, where we rush through each day without pausing to appreciate the relationships we’ve built. Or perhaps it’s in our careers, where we’re so focused on the next goal that we fail to acknowledge how far we’ve come. Contentment isn’t about settling or giving up on your dreams. It’s about finding joy in the journey, not simply the… yes cliché…destination.

Finding the Balance

So, how do we find a middle ground between these two powerful forces? Here are some key strategies I work on doing

1. Set Meaningful Goals: Aim for goals that align with our values, purpose, and long-term vision. This will ensure that our ambition is purposeful and fulfilling, rather than empty or exhausting. Ask, “How will this add value to my life?” If the answer isn’t clear, it might be time to reassess our goals.

2. Practice Gratitude: The simple yet powerful way to stay content is by practicing gratitude. Take time each day to reflect on what we are grateful for—whether it’s our health, relationships, or career progress. By focusing on what we have, rather than what we lack, we will naturally cultivate more contentment.

3. Enjoy the Journey: It’s easy to get so caught up in the end goal that we forget to enjoy the process, I have been so guilty of this myself in many stages of my life. Ask, “How can I enjoy being content?” The answer might lie in celebrating small wins, enjoying moments of rest, or simply appreciating the present for what it is.

4. Reflect Regularly: Take time to reflect on our ambitions and whether they’re serving us in the best possible way. Are our goals still meaningful? Are they bringing joy, or mostly stress? Equally, reflect on areas where we may be too content. Where could we challenge ourself to grow or expand our comfort zone?

5. Create Space for Both: Balance doesn’t mean we have to alternate between being ambitious and content. We can embody both at the same time. We can be content with where we are in life while working toward future goals. The key is to create space in our life for both—to be present and grateful while still moving forward.

How Will This Add Value to My Life?

I have found that using that one question has helped me stay on track and have both contentment and ambition. I have also been asking myself lately, “How can I add more value to other people’s lives?” and this has brought me a lot of contentment and ambition. Balancing ambition with contentment allows us to experience the best of both worlds: growth and fulfillment. When we are ambitious, we push ourself to achieve more, which can lead to personal and professional growth. When we are content, we are able to enjoy what we have worked for, preventing burnout and fostering long-term happiness. By striking this balance, we can ask ourself how our goals will truly add value to our life, without getting caught in the endless pursuit of “more.” We will also learn to savor the present while still looking toward the future.

Living with Balance

Being both ambitious and content is one art that takes practice. It’s about setting meaningful goals while appreciating what we have. It’s about pushing ourself to grow while allowing ourself to rest and enjoy the present. By asking ourself questions like, “Where can I do a better job of being more content?”* and “How can I enjoy being content?” we begin to open the door to a more balanced, fulfilling life. Ultimately, learning to live with both ambition and contentment is the key to lasting happiness and success.

ahh-procrastination

7 Ways to Stop Procrastinating Starting Tomorrow

By Leadership, Motivation, Productivity No Comments

Procrastination is one of the biggest challenges leaders can face. I know the first step for me in getting over my procrastination addiction is finding ways to not let the pressure of the deadline motivate me. So what can we do about it?

Here are Seven Ways to Stop Procrastinating Starting Tomorrow:

1) Make a list: Write down all the things you need to get done on a piece of paper, on your computer notepad, cell phone, or anywhere you look on a regular basis.

2) Break it up: Let’s say you have 19 things to get done on your to-do list. Pick three to accomplish each day. Not 19! Three tasks, that’s it! If you have one really large task, break it up into even smaller components. For example, if you need to create a proposal for a new client, break it up into (a) research the company for one hour (b) write the proposal for three hours (c) spend one hour proofreading and seeing what else you need to add before sending it off to the client. Get three things done each day that are the most important. If you accomplish those, then move on to more! This will help you feel accomplished and train your brain to get more done.

3) Ask yourself what happens if you don’t get it done: What are the consequences if you procrastinate doing what you have planned? Will you be more stressed? Will you have to ditch your friends or family? Loss of sleep? What do you lose if you wait till the very end to get it done?

4) Ask yourself what happens if you do get it done: On the flip side, what do you get if you do it now? More time? More money? More experiences with your kids and family or friends? More opportunity to accomplish more? Knowing what you’ll get will help motivate you to get it done early!

5) Eliminate temptations: The best way to stop procrastinating is to get rid of the time wasters: social media, your cell phone, and people coming in and out of your office asking you questions. When I have tasks I need to do, my wifi is off, my phone is not in my office, and my door is shut. If you are being interrupted every ten minutes, it is hard to get anything done!

6) Get someone to hold you accountable: Let others know what you want to get done and by when. We seldom like to let those we love and like down, so if you tell them what you plan to do and by when, they will motivate you to get it done. You can also add a little more pressure by saying to the person, “and if I don’t get it done a week before my deadline, I will give you $20 cash!”

7) Reward Yourself: After every three things I accomplish each day, I reward myself. I either go for a walk, get a drink with my friends or watch a show with my wife. Don’t wait for the big reward at the end; reward yourself every step of the way!

Procrastination can be your worst enemy. It is definitely a habit worth breaking! Try incorporating one of these into your daily routine and see how much better you feel and how much more you accomplish in an everyday work situation! As always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan Avery

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Ryan Avery and Lindsey Martin

If you are frustrated by your co-workers try this!

By Motivation, Productivity No Comments

Currently my co-workers consist of my wife and a 12-pound Russian poodle puppy named Sugar. They can be frustrating at times, but before I was an entrepreneur I had several regular 9-5 type jobs and interacting with my co-workers was a daily part of my responsibilities.

In the workplace we can find ourselves frustrated with those we work with because we all have different styles, beliefs, ideas, and opinions. Often, the biggest frustration comes when a stressful situation happens at work or is communication related.

One of the best things you can do when you are frustrated by your co-workers is to have them answer these two questions:

1)   I handle difficult situations better if…

2)   I communicate best when…

You might get responses like:

1)   I handle difficult situations better if I can get out of the office for five minutes to clear my head.

2)   I handle difficult situations better if the person I am working with says at least one thing nice about me.

3)   I handle difficult situations better if I have a cup of coffee in my hand.

4)   I communicate best when I have time to process information by myself.

5)   I communicate best when it is over the phone.

6)   I communicate best when the person tells me exactly how they feel.

You will be surprised at what your co-workers say. This will help you minimize frustration at work and to avoid misunderstandings in the future. Ask your team these two questions and see how much more enjoyable work can be! As always…

Dream BIG,

Ryan

Ryan Avery's Blog

10 Questions You Should Be Asking to Grow Your Blog

By Motivation, Productivity No Comments

Last month I sent out a survey to my friends and followers to see how I can improve the experience on RyanAvery.com and ways I can add the most value to you as a reader.

Ryan Avery's posting scheduleThe answers you provided blew my mind! I was posting mostly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but you wanted Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I was posting blog articles but you wanted to see more videos!

I was thinking you wanted a newsletter only once a month, but you said send it out every week!

After I got the results I have started implementing what you want (still working to incorporate more videos and the weekly newsletter). By listening to my readers and giving them what they want, the page views on my blog almost tripled in one month (photo above is a screenshot of my WordPress stats)! Thank you to everyone who took that survey. My hope is to make this the best blog you visit and that adds the most value to your life!

So what should we do to grow our blogs? Create your own survey this week and listen to what your friends and followers tell you. Once they tell you, give them the information they want, how they want it and when! It will help grow your blog and in turn help you produce stronger, more sharable, content.

Here are the 10 questions I sent in the survey that you can copy or modify to make your own:

What type of content would you like to see more of on THEBLOGHERE.com (Select all that apply)
a) leadership  b) communication  c) public speaking  d) INSERT YOUR OWN CATEGORIES

What type of content do you enjoy most?
a) educational-based  b) entertainment-based  c) BLOGGER’s personal life  d) interviews

If you wanted to sign up for INSERT BLOGGER HERE newsletter, how often would you like to receive an email-based newsletter that offers valuable content?

a) daily  b) weekly  c) monthly  d) I would prefer to receive text updates

How do you like your content presented (please select all that apply).
a) blogs  b) videos  c) podcast

How often would you like content to be posted on THEBLOGHERE.com? (Select all that apply)
DAY: M T W T F S S

What is the best time of day for you to read/watch/listen to your favorite blog?
a) morning  b) afternoon  c) night d) what time zone are you in?

What one thing could INSERT BLOGGER HERE do online to help you in your life? Or what/how can INSERT BLOGGER HERE improve in order to add more value to you?
Left this field empty for them to fill in

Would you pay $XX.XX a month to be part of an exclusive group were you learn BLANK every week and hear BLANK on how to BLANK?
a) absolutely  b) maybe  c) no  d) if maybe, why?

When you think of THE BLOG what comes to mind?
Left this field empty for them to fill in

What tagline resonates with you more when you think of INSERT BLOGGER HERE?
Pick your top three tag lines and see what resonates with your readers

Copy these questions and use them in your survey to survey your following. Make it a priority this week because the quicker you give your audience what they want, the faster your blog will grow and the more value you will add to others. Keep using your voice to make a difference and as always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan

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Ryan Avery Running

5 easy ways to live in the present moment everyday

By Motivation, Productivity One Comment

Today’s question comes from Kapil Patel from Ronkonkoma, NY when he asks How do you live in the present moment everyday?”

This can be difficult now that we are conditioned to be distracted with the temptation of multitasking and the various communication channels we use.  But is necessary if we want to taste what life has to offer!

They say, “Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.”  I know sometimes I will wake up and say, “Where did my weekend go?” or “How was that day was so quick?” It’s because I numbed out or while or was focused on something else. There are times when I am trying to complete a task and the whole time I will be thinking about the next thing I have to do. Rather than put my energy and focus in what I am doing I am out in la-la land and wake up feeling like I didn’t live that day.

We only get one life. Some of us get better lives than others. Some get more years. Very few find ways to be happy everyday but it is possible!

Here are five things to do to center yourself and be present everyday:

Remind yourself you will be gone one day: This can be hard to think about but if we can remind ourselves we are not immortal and one day their will be a last page to our autobiography it can help get us focused. I know when I think about this it brings me back to what is important in my life; family/friends, adding value to others and being adventurous.

Give thanks for all your senses at night: I used to do this for years. I would lay in bed and go through all of my senses one by one and think about what would I see that day? What did I feel ? Hear? Taste? Smell? Now I don’t wait till the end of the night. I do it when I experience it. This exercise has heightened my senses and makes me appreciate the small things.

Do something random: That photo you see above! I took a run the other day and all these kids were playing in that fountain so I decided to run through it. I have always wanted to do this and decided “What the heck, I am sweaty anyways, why not get wet!” I think some of the moms might have judged me, but who cares, I still want to feel like I am 12 sometimes and I smiled the entire way home. It’s like in the 

Set up reminders: Put a reminder every 3 hours in your phone during the times you are awake that says, “Are you being present right now?” Or put quotes up around your house, car, bathroom or office! Set up visual reminders and make sure you change them often so they don’t become things you look at and pass over.

Take 5 minutes of alone time: This has been one of the best things I have done in the past few years. Everyday I take five minutes of alone time. No phone. No computer. I don’t think about what I need to get done or what I did wrong or where my future will take me. I sit, walk or lay in an area that is calming and I won’t be distracted for at least five minutes. Sometimes this can be me locked in a laundry room or on a hotel balcony overlooking the ocean.

The Latin word for present is Ostendo, Ostendo is defined as: show, reveal, make plain or declare. So being present is more than a “feel-good” feeling. This can often be the time when you come up with the best ideas, when you reveal who you really want to be, when your inner self declares what you want to accomplish in life. It can also be a great way to feel alive and happy!

Take time to implement these five action items into your daily routine and start living in the present moment. Thanks for the question Kapil and as always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan

P.s. What other ways can we be in the present moment? Remember to sing up for my blog in the top right hand corner if you want to receive posts similar to this every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9am PST!

Ryan Avery Twitter

3 Traffic Building Tools for Twitter

By Motivation, Productivity 2 Comments

Do you want more Twitter followers? Some say “yes,” others say “I guess” and several say “I don’t use Twitter.”

For those who say they don’t, it is time to utilize this powerful tool and to stop looking at it as the social media for those who have”ADD.”

More than just collecting followers and pushing out 140 characteristics every 15 minutes, Twitter can be used to influence, connect, search and get opinions on current events.

I use Twitter to see what is happening in my world (#Speaking #NSA14 #Toastmasters #Leadership #CommunicationProblems #Authors #Question #Scuba). The (#) tool can be very powerful if you know how to use it and to connect with those who are interested in the same things you are.

I just reached 10,000 followers on Twitter with a goal to have 20,000 quality followers by the end of the year. In order to build traffic on Twitter, respond to ‘mentions’ and search for related topics I use three tools:

Click to Tweet: Allows you to embed a link in your blog posts where readers can click to tweet a line of text in your post. “Winners do things losers don’t want to do.” Dr. Phil (click to tweet)

Hootsuite: Allows you to auto-schedule tweets for a variety of social media channels and allows you to set up streams so you can pay attention to # you like. Every other Sunday, I sit down for about an hour and plug in about 100 leadership and communication related quotes into Hootsuite. This allows me to post to my followers at least three times a day. Instead of finding new content to post, I can now spend time answering questions, replying to mentions and sharing other articles I read throughout the week.

JustUnFollow: I think they need to change the name of this app. This powerful tool lets you find people who are interested in the same things you are (#leadership #communication) or part of the same groups you are (@Toastmasters @NSAspeaker) and follow them. This app has a tremendous amount of features that are worth checking out.

All three of these tools have a free option. I pay for the upgraded Hootsuite and UnFollow services (starting out I didn’t) and I think the free versions work great depending on your needs.

Growing your Twitter following is important because it will help you reach more people with your voice and connect with those who like what you like.

Don’t take your followers for granted or think “ugh, I only have 154 followers.” I did that at the beginning and it was the wrong thing because I didn’t think I could have real connections online; I was wrong! Actually connect with those you follow and those who follow you. This is your online tribe and they can be one of your biggest assets. Treat them well and add value to their life!

Get to

Dream BIG,
Ryan

Question: What others apps or websites do you use to help grow and/or monitor your Twitter?  

Ryan Avery Money

What’s the best investment to make in today’s economy?

By Motivation, Productivity 9 Comments

Today’s question comes from Indira Berikova from Alma-Ata, Almaty, Kazakhstan, when she wants to know “What is the best investment in the market right now?” 

I have a good grasp on money management and taking care of our future as my wife and I are almost debt free, live below our means and give 10% of our income away to good causes.

That was not always the case.

Have you ever been so broke you had to water down your soap and struggle to find rent money? A couple years ago, Chelsea and I had to water down our watered down soap. We had $84 in our bank account, had no idea where rent money was coming from and almost got on food stamps.

I applied for 75+ jobs with no response (even Quiznos didn’t hire me!). I remember laying on our carpeted floor, not knowing what we were going to do. We walked outside to clear our minds and the phone rang. I got a job! An awesome job! They even paid me an advance so we could stay in our apartment and slowly get back on our feet.

I don’t like being crunched for cash. It’s not fun going to the grocery store and not being able to get the types of food you want. It’s not fun when you have friends who go out and you can’t join them because you can’t even afford one happy hour beer. It’s not fun to not be able to buy your wife a $2 flower to show her you love her because that’s not “in the budget.” I never wanted to be in that situation again!

Once we got that light of hope with a job offer, we did everything we could to advance our personal and professional career. We started reading, digesting, learning and taking in as much information as we could about life, success, money, happiness, family, goal setting and travel.

We agreed to always live below our means, take care of the things we care about most by sticking to our four pillars and to have a successful life. Four years later, we still live by these principles and it has helped us have a life we feel proud to live.

So I am not a financial advisor, I dabble with my E-Trade account by buying stocks and selling options and right now most of the money we make goes right back into our companies, but the best investment you can make in today’s economy, without a doubt, is yourself! 

Invest in you! Read more books. Watch more educational videos. Listen to motivational CDs. Go workout and take alone time. Create goals. Stretch yourself. Do what it takes to make things happen in your life! When you invest in yourself, others will invest in you.

What are you doing right now, today, so that tomorrow you are stronger, better, more efficient and more successful than you were two days ago? Invest in yourself and not only will your family be stronger, our world will be better!

Keep investing in yourself and it will pay dividends for years to come. Thanks for the question Indira and as always…

Dream BIG,
Ryan

P.S. My goal is to help you reach yours. I will be honest, open and share valuable content that will help improve areas of your life. If you like my content, sign up to receive articles in the right hand corner of this page. Thank you and keep working to make things happen!

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